I will not be booby trapped

I will not be booby trapped like I was with Z. He was four months old and we were having supply issues because I wasn't drinking enough water, he had a horrible latch and I had no idea, and I was stressed out. So he lost weight and we started formula. I tried to build my supply up but had no help from anyone and was just stressed and gave up and formula fed full time. It was no big deal to me then I didn't realize all the benefits and I should have fought harder. We were on WIC so formula was free. It was easy. We were suckered into it. After he was long done with formula I did reading on breastfeeding because I wanted to be well informed in the future with future kids. Now I know much more than I ever did before which makes me feel so ashamed and stupid for not fixing my breastfeeding issues with Z.

Fast forward  to shortly after Ry was born.

I knew I was breastfeeding but after a terrible birth with a hand full of terrible NICU nurses and my postpartum nurses it was so hard. I had to fight just to get my son to my breast. My first nurse told me I couldn't go feed him until I could walk down there. Umm hello I just had major surgery and was in shock from everything that was happening. I asked them to remove the epidural so I could hurry and get down there. I talked her into pushing me down there in the wheel chair as soon as I could stand up. My left leg was still numb but I got myself standing with some assistance and got in the chair. Victory! I made it to the NICU to see my son who was completely fine and didn't need to be there. The only reason he was there was because the stupid nurse who pushed PIT and partially my fault for not having my doula there sooner to help talk me out of the epidural and everything I didn't want. I didn't communicate with my dh and friend well enough that I wanted them to push the nurse away when she offered interventions like the epidural and pitocin. I need to learn how to stand up for myself. It's just hard when I'm in such pain and I'm horrible at managing my own pain. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed.

Back on track...I was rambling sorry. I don't know why I asked the NICU nurse if I could breast feed my son. Maybe because he had an iv in his hand and I was scared to pick him up because I couldn't stand and the bassinet was too high for me to grab him myself. I was still jittery from everything. She initially said no. Then I got smart. I said well he's my baby I'm going to breastfeed him. I'm determined to do this. We are doing this. She said I know your milk isn't in yet. I said well duh that takes a few days its just colostrum now. (maybe not those exact words lol). Anyways she let me nurse him and then said I needed to supplement with some formula to offer him two ounces. Um holy shit what kid eats two ounces hours after they've been born. None I've ever heard of. Their stomachs are the size of a small marble and don't stretch yet so no way two ounces is fitting unless you want to be covered in barf. LAME. So I fed him like three sips of formula he hated it. I knew they scheduled feeds in the hospital and I was fine with that I was tired so I could work with that and all Ry wanted to do was sleep anyways so no big deal. She gave me the times and said if I wasn't on time that she would feed him formula  herself. I didn't want that to happen so I set alarms on my phone and made sure I got down there.

About seven hours after major surgery I was walking myself to the NICU while holding a wheelchair for support because I didn't want to fall and split open and die. I'm afraid of that. I get scared when people talk about their incisions opening up and I had staples and I was just scared enough of the staples but whatever I didn't have a choice. I had to feed my baby. He needed his mom. I needed to step it up and overcome the less than desirable circumstances and take care of my son. I NEEDED breastfeeding to work so I could not be depressed about the c-section. About failing myself and my son. About letting that nurse put my son into distress so I would have an "easy" c-section. Well breastfeeding worked. Ry loves boobies! His latch was perfect. The lactation consultant at the hospital was amazing! She helped me learn how to support his head because he couldn't yet and breastfeeding was marvelous. When my milk came it everything just clicked! I didn't even get sore for longer than twelve hours. It was amazing. No bloody nipples, no soreness, no needing to supplement because it hurt too bad. I did it! I didn't fail. I knew what I was doing enough to get him fed and keep him happy.

Ry is ten months old as of the 18th of January 2011. He's just under 14lbs which is just shy of triple his birth weight. (I have small kids, stress will do that to you I've heard). My son is still nursing strong. He's got three teeth and that is an adventure. But not bad definitely worth it. He refuses bottles and sippy cups. He loves boobies. And that's fine it works. We co-sleep and he nurses all night long. We even take a two hour nap during the middle of the day that he nurses the whole time. I love my Ry Ry and I love that breastfeeding is POSSIBLE. It is WORKING. YOU CAN DO IT.

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