Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I think i forgot about me

Excuse the grammar i was crying when typing this.
I think I forgot about me. What do I want? What's important to me? What do I like. After talking to someone I barely know on facebook something came to mind. Our conversation was just about dinner. And she asked me what food do I like. Me? Am i important enough for that to even matter? No one really truly asks me what I like or want anymore. No one cares what is important to me. After getting married and being in a near loveless marriage for quite some time what is important to me doesn't matter. What I like or what makes me happy doesn't matter. I'm great at pretending I'm fine. I'm great at convincing people that I'm ok. Im here to tell you that I'm not ok. My marriage sucks. Im questioning my faith. Is God even real or just some story so we all conform and obey our government? How dare I even think that. Shame on me for having those thoughts. That's the reaction I'd probably get from the people close to me. Shame on me for living the past almost four years feeling alone. My life consists of caring for my children and paying minimal attention to my husband. I love my kids. They keep me sane and happy. My kids have shown me what love truly is and what it can be. They have made me learn to control my temper. They helped me turn into an adult. They taught me to stand up for them because no one else will. So why in the world am I so unhappy. If you asked me what I wanted I probably couldn't even tell you. I do not know what i want. If I knew like I used to know I'd just get let down again and again and be back where I am, not caring. I love my husband I do but he treats me like a child and complains it's me that treats him like a child. He says this because he acts like one. He says he wants to be a part in raising the kids so he feels like a dad. What is that? He asks me what to do every step of the way. Somehow through the sea of questions he asks he thinks that I'm treating him like a child because that's all he does is ask me questions. Should i do this? Do i do this now? Just tell me what you want me to do. I hate answering the questions because it turns into a fight that i treat him like a child. I prefer to stay silent. To block out his noise. To shut out his questions. I don't know if this is ppd or not. I have no idea what this is. My husbands family tells me to submit. Yet they don't know what those verses in the bible mean. They sway them to mean something they don't. They sway them to make it sound like I need to be a wordless, cleaning, serving, nothing. They don't know me. I don't even know me but i know I am not a slave or a submissive wife. I'm married to someone who just doesn't care about anything and I'm sick of being told how to handle it. I just need a freaking hug.


  1. Hug. HUGEHUGE hug.

  2. Thanks. I think because it was the first time I had to just sit and do nothing in a while everything just surfaced and I lost it :( I'm ok though.

  3. (((Hugs))) Being a mom seems so thankless sometimes. I am sorry you are also having to deal with a husband who is not understand. I think people forget sometimes about the verses that follow the submission part, it goes on to say that husbands need to respect their wives and that wives are more valuable than gold or rubies. (((more hugs)))

  4. Since this is the internet, I'm posting anonymously, but I TOTALLY understand what you're going through. Big giant hugs of sympathy to you!

  5. Hi Ashley. I was cleanin gout my reader and I came across this post. I'm a newer reader so I was kind of surprised to read this. I'm guessing most people aren't this honest about something like this. All I can do is give you a big ol internet (((((hug))))).

    @The Young's was right- people like to twist that whole submission thing to keep women in their "place" you are totally worth more than that and deserve some respect.

    We got your back!